


Revelation

by smilexdarling



Category: Glee
Genre: Demisexuality, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-24
Updated: 2015-04-24
Packaged: 2018-03-25 13:49:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3812839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smilexdarling/pseuds/smilexdarling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tumblr is actually a pretty great place to learn more about yourself. This is Kurt's experience with that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Revelation

“Whatcha doin’?” Kurt asks as he hunkers down on the sofa next to Blaine and looks at the laptop screen.

“Just looking at things on Tumblr,” Blaine replies distractedly. 

Blaine has mentioned this Tumblr thing a bunch over the past couple of years, but it wasn’t until they got their own place, just the two of them, that Kurt realized how much time Blaine actually devoted to it on a daily basis. He knows it must be interesting to hold his attention for so long, and Blaine has shared some hilarious jokes and things called memes with him that he found on the website, so he leans his head on Blaine’s shoulder and watches as he scrolls through what is called his ‘dashboard’. After a while, Kurt spots a post from one of the LGBTQ+ blogs Blaine follows that mentions asexuality and the orientations that fall under that umbrella. He’s in the middle of reading it when Blaine starts to scroll past it and he touches his arm to stop him. 

“Wait, go back, I wanted to read that,” he says and Blaine moves the laptop over to him saying he can have a turn since he wants to go shower anyway. Blaine heads into their bathroom leaving Kurt alone to read through the rest of the post. It’s pretty long but it has a lot of really interesting information that he hadn’t known before in it. Apparently there are different types of asexuality, like gray asexuality and demisexuality. The latter really piques his interest. Kurt finishes reading the post and then notices it’s time to start getting dinner ready so he abandons the laptop for the time being. He doesn’t stop thinking about that post all evening, though. 

* * *

The next day is Monday and Kurt manages to push his curiosity to the back of his mind until his morning classes are over, but the first thing he does when he gets home for lunch is head straight to the laptop. Blaine never has time to make it all the way back to their apartment for lunch on Mondays so he doesn’t have to worry about being interrupted as he browses the internet. 

Tumblr is probably a great site to look at for this but he doesn’t know how to navigate it on his own yet so he starts with Google. He’s not entirely sure what he’s looking for. All he knows is that he can’t get that post out of his mind. At first he felt dumb for being so out of the loop about an entire chunk of the LGBTQ+ community, since he’s been trying to educate himself and be more aware, but it was the fact that a lot of what he read resonated with him that has made it hard to think about anything else since. He winds up on a website entirely devoted to the topic of asexuality and he finds a link to the demisexuality page. A lot of the information is the same as what was on Tumblr but then he finds a forum and gets sucked in. 

He spends his entire lunch break reading through all of the posts in the forum and completely forgets to eat anything. It’s only when he gets a text from Mercedes that he looks at his phone and sees he needs to get a move on if he wants to make it to his next class on time, so he gathers up all of his things, grabs an apple to go, and closes out of the website. His mind is reeling as he walks to the subway and it doesn’t stop for the rest of the day.

* * *

Later that night, as he nudges open their front door with his hip and tries not to drop the takeout he got for dinner, he looks up and sees Blaine sitting on the sofa with the laptop again. He deflates a little but smiles before Blaine can see his disappointment. He had hoped he would have some time to do more research before Blaine got home. Blaine is up in an instant, relieving Kurt of his book bag and one of the takeout bags as he presses a soft kiss onto his cheek. 

“Hey, baby, thanks for picking up dinner. I’ve got the table all set,” Blaine says as they both walk over to their tiny kitchen table that’s decked out in the placemats, plates, and silverware Kurt had spent hours picking out at Ikea and he smiles more genuinely. 

“Thanks, honey. I’m starving so lets eat. How was your day?” He asks as he and Blaine both settle into their chairs and begin doling out various dishes onto their plates. He listens as Blaine describes what sounds like a truly jaw-dropping tantrum thrown by his scene partner in his Shakespeare class, but whenever the conversation lulls, he glances over to the laptop where it rests on the coffee table. He’s apparently not as subtle as he’d like to think he is because eventually Blaine asks,

“Kurt? Is there an online auction I forgot about because, if so, sweetie, you know you can go do that. I don’t want you to miss out on something priceless just because you felt like you had to sit here and stare at me while you ate.” 

Kurt swallows his bite of food and says, “No, no it’s nothing like that, and believe me, it is absolutely no hardship to sit here and stare at your handsome face,” he flirts and Blaine grins, “I just— had some research to do for a class. That’s all.” He hates lying, even a silly, little one like that, but he doesn’t think he’s ready to bring up whatever is going on in his head just yet and Blaine seems to accept that response to he lets it go for now. 

Once they finish eating and the dishes are all dried and put back in their rightful places, Blaine settles into the overstuffed chair next to the sofa to do some of his homework and Kurt finally gets to continue his searching. He pulls up Tumblr and decides to figure out how to make his own blog and when he’s got his page all set up he types ‘demisexuality’ into the search bar. Immediately, tons of posts pop up and he reads through some but quickly gets discouraged because a lot of them are pretty negative. After about half an hour he decides he needs to take a break from reading everyone else’s opinions and do some thinking of his own. He tells Blaine he’s going to take a shower and he pauses to kiss the top of his head as he walks past. 

As he gets the water going and strips down he thinks about everything he’s learned so far: some asexuals, specifically demisexuals, can feel sexual attraction but it can only happen when they have a close bond with someone. He steps in and lets the warm water melt away some of the tension in his back. Asexuals and demisexuals can still have a sex drive and like sex, but demisexuals in particular don’t want to have sex with anyone unless they’re really close to them and have a strong emotional connection. 

Kurt always thought that was how most people felt, but thinking back to high school, he realizes that probably isn’t the case. In high school, he realized how different he was compared to the other kids and he always assumed it was just because he liked boys instead of girls. Now, he’s not so sure that was all it was. He never did understand how the kids in Glee could switch partners so often, the fact that some of them wanted sex so much that they would be willing to just go out and have it with pretty much anyone never made sense to him, and the concept of one night stands has always been an enigma. He’s never judged anyone for wanting sex and having one night stands, he thinks as long as it’s safe and consensual then people should have at it, he just never understood the drive to do that. 

For him, romance and love-y feelings are crucial. Porn freaked him out for many reasons but one of the biggest reasons he didn’t like watching it was because it simply did nothing for him. Seeing people, who he knew were most likely perfect strangers, have sex with no romance, no loving touches, no sweet words whispered between them, and no longing looks held absolutely none of his interest. He cared more about seeing a couple, like in The Notebook, connect and use sex as another way to show the other person how much they love them. There is nothing titillating about watching some phallic thing be inserted into an orifice of some kind repeatedly. He wants to see the love and emotion behind it or not at all. 

Masturbating has always been enjoyable and he is almost always up for having sex with Blaine, but it’s because he loves Blaine and Blaine loves him. He’s thought Blaine is cute and handsome and dapper from the moment he met him, but now that he thinks about it, his sexual desire for Blaine probably came later. If he tries to narrow it down, it was maybe around the time Blaine transferred to McKinley. They were so in love, they still are but it was less settled and more exciting and new then, and the fact that Blaine had been willing to switch schools just so that he could be with Kurt as much as possible had completely melted his heart.

That was when his masturbatory fantasies went from being about an amorphous blob who made him feel safe and loved to featuring Blaine more specifically and when he started to truly notice things like what a perfect ass Blaine has. Or how defined his arms are. Or how great it would feel if Blaine used those arms to pin him up against any flat surface and just ravish him. Yeah, he hadn’t had those kinds of thoughts before then, not even when he thought he was in love with Finn. It can all probably be chalked up to the fact that Kurt felt, and still feels, a level of comfort and security with Blaine that he hasn’t ever felt with anyone else. 

He finishes scrubbing himself clean and rinses out his conditioner before getting out and starting on his nighttime skin care routine. He decides that tomorrow he is going to conduct a bit of an experiment.

* * *

It’s a beautiful, sunny day and he’s sitting outside of the café that’s near their apartment and NYU as he waits for Blaine to meet him after his class. Now is the perfect time to test his hypothesis. 

He sips his iced coffee and tries to be as non-creepy as possible as he checks out the many guys that file in and out of the café. One that instantly catches his attention is tall, has dark red hair, freckles, and is dressed impeccably. He’s on the phone and is the exact stereotype of a busy business man on his way to some important meeting and he’s definitely attractive. He has lovely cheekbones and Kurt can tell he works out, as his muscular waist is accentuated perfectly by the vest he’s wearing. Although, it doesn’t even come close to Blaine’s waist, but Kurt still tries to imagine having sex with him. Aaand, nothing. He absolutely, one hundred percent does not want to have sex with that man. Wow, that was easier than he thought it’d be.

The next guy who comes out sits down a few tables away from Kurt and pulls out a sketchbook. He’s distracted by his drawing so Kurt manages to go unnoticed as he gets an eyeful of his blond hair that is tied back at the nape of his neck in one of those short ponytails that manages to look artsy and European and not just meh. He’s not wearing anything designer as far as Kurt can tell but his clothes still fit him well and are clean so he gets points for that. His hands look strong and capable as he manipulates his pencil and Kurt tries to picture those hands touching him, caressing him while he runs his fingers through the guy’s silky hair but, again, nothing. Sure, he’s good looking but Kurt would feel way too uncomfortable to even get to the point of taking his shirt off with a complete stranger so, no sex would be happening there either. 

Okay, another man walks past and goes into the café. He kind of looks like that actor from Teen Wolf, who plays Darren or Derek or something, and he looks the most like Blaine so far out of all of the guys so maybe this one will strike a nerve. Kurt peeks in through the glass exterior of the building and watches the guy order his drink. He looks nice, friendly, and his shoulder to waist ratio is insane but Kurt just cannot fathom having him walk up to him, ask if he wanted to go have sex (assuming he wasn’t with Blaine of course), and feel the slightest inclination to accept. 

If anything, he just really wants to grab his own sketchbook and practice his figure drawing some more. His dick couldn’t be less interested if it tried even with all of these amazingly hot men walking around. He’s busy stewing over his findings and chewing on his straw when Blaine sneaks up behind him and whispers, “Boo.”

“Ah!” He yelps before whacking Blaine lightly on the chest as he snickers and takes the seat across from Kurt. 

“Blaine Devon, how many times do I have to tell you that I do not appreciate being scared? And no it is not funny and I am perfectly lightened up thank you very much,” he grumps while Blaine just sits there and beams. Damn that adorable doofus. 

“But you’re so cute when you get all annoyed, just look that little pout,” Blaine coos.

Kurt rolls his eyes, “Yes well, see how that argument holds up later when you’re horny and I resist your ‘little pout’.”

Blaine gasps in mock horror and clutches his chest. He breaks out into giggles and chases after Kurt when he gets up and starts walking home without him. 

* * *

That Friday evening, it’s raining heavily so they decide to have a lazy night in watching TV and pigging out on the cheesecake Blaine picked up the day before. They both put on their coziest pajamas and snuggle up on the sofa to half-watch whatever is on and feed each other bites of cheesecake. After they’ve finished eating, Blaine lays back on Kurt and Kurt laces their fingers together over Blaine’s stomach that is slightly more pronounced now that it’s full of delicious dessert and serves as the perfect perch for their hands. Blaine is focused on the show, one Kurt hasn’t seen before, and he laughs occasionally but, Kurt’s mind begins to wander.

He hasn’t been able to stop thinking about his new discovery. He isn’t even sure if it can be called a ‘new discovery’ since he’s pretty sure he has always felt his way, but now he has a word for it. He’s hesitant to suddenly switch labels and he keeps worrying that he doesn’t qualify for some reason, even though the more he thinks about it the more he feels like he honestly is demisexual. There have been a few more experiments around the city and at school and, every single time, Kurt gets the same result: he does not want to have sex with anyone but Blaine. 

Normally, people would be relieved that they don’t want to have sex with anyone but their partner, but Kurt knows that people in relationships have said they still feel attracted to other people and they just choose not to act on it. If he’s honest, his lack of attraction makes him feel a little weird. It helps to know other people feel the same way but he’s still not totally used to the idea that he might be (okay, let’s be real, he totally is) demisexual. 

Being gay wasn’t easy, but people at least knew what it meant and could understand the implications. With demisexuality, not a lot of people have heard of it or would understand or accept it when it’s explained to them. Kurt’s seen online how some allosexual people simply don’t understand the lack of drive and he’s not exactly excited about the fact that he’s even more unique than he thought he was. Being special is great and he owns it for the most part, but sometimes it can just be so damn hard. 

He worries that, after being out as gay for so long, this will seem like a cry for attention. Although, he supposes he doesn’t have to come out at all, except to people like Blaine or his dad maybe. It isn’t really relevant to anyone else since he’s still sure that he’s only capable of being interested in men, so assuming he and Blaine stay together forever, and he fully intends to, it isn’t anyone else’s business when or how he feels sexually attracted to people. Ugh, he was hoping all of this self-discovery stuff was taken care of in high school. It’s just so tiring sometimes but, he guesses as long as you’re still alive, it never really stops. 

Blaine notices that Kurt isn’t laughing at the show and asks with a light squeeze to his hand, “Hey, where’d you go?”

Kurt waits for Blaine to turn down the TV and move around so that they’re both laying sideways on the sofa facing each other. “I’ve kind of figured something out and it’s been on my mind all week. Sorry I wasn’t paying attention.”

“That’s okay. I’ve noticed you seemed quiet lately. Want to talk about it?” Blaine asks as he reaches up and brushes Kurt’s hair away from his face. 

Kurt nods, “You remember that post on Tumblr? It was about all of the different sexualities.” 

Blaine’s face scrunches up as he tries to remember, “The one you wanted to finish reading while I took a shower?”

“Yeah, that’s the one. Well, I read it and um, it got me thinking. I did some more research after I saw that post and, well, have you heard of demisexuality?” Kurt asks.

Blaine nods in recognition, “I’ve heard of it but I don’t really know what it is. Why?” 

Kurt explains what he’s learned over the past week about demisexuality and himself. He tells Blaine about all of the little tests he’s done to see if he really fits the bill and how he’s confident that he does, then about his worries about identifying in a different way after all these years of being out as gay, and by the end of it he’s breathless and Blaine is quiet, looking contemplative.

Blaine is lost in thought and Kurt knows sometimes it takes him a minute or two to figure out how he wants to say something so he waits. All the while, Blaine lightly strokes Kurt’s arm. It’s making him sleepy and Kurt would probably doze off if he weren’t so keyed up about finally telling someone. Eventually, Blaine looks into Kurt’s eyes and he’s surprised to see worry there.

“Blaine—?” Kurt starts but Blaine cuts him off.

“Have I ever, have we ever, I mean,” he stumbles over his words and huffs out a frustrated sigh, “I don’t want to sound dumb or ask anything offensive but I have to know, have I ever made you feel like you have to do something you don’t want to? Because if I have, God Kurt, I’m so sorry and I know that doesn’t make up for it but I’ll do everyth—“

“Blaine, sweetheart, no,” he rushes to reassure, realizing what Blaine is thinking. “Everything we have ever done together I have whole heartedly wanted to do. You never made me feel obligated, I promise.” Blaine still looks a little worried but most of the tension drains out of him and he grins.

“Okay, that’s good. But I want you to know that if you ever don’t want to have sex you just have to tell me and I’ll understand. If you realize someday that it just isn’t for you then, I’ll adjust, but I won’t care that much because I love you and I just want to be with you. Sex or no sex.” 

“I love you, too,” Kurt pauses to place a gentle kiss on Blaine’s lips that Blaine sighs into. “I don’t think that’ll ever happen but it’s good to know all the same. Like I said, it’s not that I don’t like it when we have sex or that I don’t want to, it’s just that you’re the only one I want that with and that’s really all there is to it.” He shrugs, feeling a little awkward and exposed but, not in a bad way. He’s always felt comfortable being vulnerable with Blaine, unfortunately, that doesn’t stop him from blushing. He nuzzles his face into Blaine’s neck where it meets his shoulder and tries to relax.

It feels good to know that Blaine understands and supports him. He assumed he would but it’s still been stressful wondering exactly how this conversation would go. It also feels so freeing to understand himself better now. He hadn’t realized how much that part of himself had been bothering him until he saw that other people feel the same way and there’s a word for it and he’s not alone. It’s a real, valid way of being and it’s not new, it’s always been there, but acknowledging it makes it feel more solid and like he’s put one more piece of the puzzle that is Kurt Hummel into place. 

Blaine presses a kiss to his forehead and grabs his hand, leading him into their bedroom. They end up looking at the sites Kurt found and Blaine marvels at how animated Kurt is as he talks about how it all suddenly made sense and how he’s so relieved it isn’t just him that’s like this. 

They fall asleep tangled up together, Kurt finally feeling content and peaceful. 

* * *

Kurt gets home early the next Wednesday afternoon, places his keys in the little dish next to the door, and calls out for Blaine. He doesn’t get an answer, so he wanders into their bedroom to change into comfier clothes. He walks past Blaine’s desk on his way to the closet and notices that something is different. 

Pausing to look around their room, he realizes it’s the bulletin board Blaine has hanging above the desk. It’s always full of random bits like cute pictures of animals and inspirational quotes but the biggest picture that takes up a large portion of the middle of it has always been a huge gay pride flag. Now, that flag is gone and a fresh one has been printed out, but it’s about half the size because it now shares it’s space with another flag that Kurt has only seen a few times online, but recognizes immediately. Right next to the gay pride flag, Blaine has pinned up the asexual pride flag. 

All Kurt can do is stand there and stare, eyes welling up, because it’s such a small gesture but it’s such a Blaine thing to do. It’s so thoughtful and sweet and the fact that Blaine even thought to do it is just, he doesn’t have words for it. He’s startled when suddenly Blaine’s arms wrap around his middle and he stands on his tiptoes to rest his chin on Kurt’s shoulder. 

Kurt huffs out a wet chuckle as a tear escapes down his cheek and he playfully admonishes, “You know I don’t like being startled, Blaine.” He feels Blaine’s laugh rumble against his back.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t even mean to that time. Forgive me?” Kurt can hear the exaggerated pout in his voice and he shakes his head fondly as he leans more of his weight back into the embrace. 

“Alright, just this once. But next time you’re outta here, mister,” he jokes and sighs contentedly. They stay there for a long time, just enjoying each other’s presence. 

Kurt knows that over the years, they will both continue to change and grow, but he has no doubt in his mind that their love for each other will remain a constant. They’re works in progress and they accept each other in every form. That’s all they can do. After all, they’re soul mates.


End file.
